As he spoke I really tried hard to listen and keep up with what he was saying. However, my mind was also in other areas as I was looking around and taking in the whole atmosphere. There were girls there my age, with muscles that I did not know existed. lol The field had some pretty hefty dumbbells that were making me sweat and I could already feel myself thinking of excuses of why I cannot perform in the group activities. I tried to stop myself from wigging out. In the next half hour or so, we stood up and did some fun rope techniques and exercises. I was building up some confidence within, until we were told to go grab one of those big ass grip dumbbells......My heart started racing as the speaker was explaining what were were doing next. As everyone was grabbing the dumbbells, I went over to the speaker and explained my shoulder dislocation situation. I immediately felt like a failure even before embarking on the next exercise. He told me to grab a lighter weight, which I was so incredibly grateful for. Here is the thing; Was I more worried about my shoulder popping out or not being as strong as the others in class? I HATE COMPETITION! (unless it is with myself).....I know in my heart I should not care and I am certain the others could of cared less if I did more or less weight. I was pissed at myself for giving up. The day went on and I was feeling great despite me sticking with the lower weight and not getting over my fear.
Sunday came and I was back in class. I noticed the exercises were fine that day and I was doing great until about 10:30. The speaker then said to pick someone we do not know and one of us was to be the trainer and the other the client. Everyone in the room partnered up with two educated trainers. My partner was actually a member of a club who was there to learn about some new exercises. I felt anxious about evaluating him and trying to come up with the correct exercise prescription. WTF? I have doing this for over 20 years! What was wrong with me? Butterflies set in as I evaluated his tight shoulders and hips. I did actually come up with a solution and we had to explain our client, their weakness's and the prescription in front of everyone else on camera! AHHHHH!!!! What if I was wrong? What if I sounded like a fool? WTF was wrong with me? Well, none of that happened and the speaker said I did a great job. But honestly, I knew what I was doing, I should not worry about what others think or say, and why did I care so much? I hate to admit this, but the day got worse from there.
The next activity was an obstacle course that we had to do one by one. As I was watching the guys set it up, my flipping fear got the best of me.....AGAIN! I was worried about my shoulder, performing badly, doing it in front of others, etc..... Well, the next announcement could of not come at a better time. The speaker asked who would like to record the names, times, ages and weight of each person doing the course. Who's hand went right up? THIS GAL'S! As soon as I raised it I felt relief, but also defeat. I wanted to try the course, but on my own terms without dozens of eyes on me. Everyone did well and the energy from the group cheering others on was AWESOME! I thought a little about trying it, but deep within me something was shutting that thought down. When the last person finished, I actually snuck out to the bathroom so no one would call me out and push me to go. Really? I think my name should of been Sally instead of Sandi.
We all sat in a circle at the end and shared our good and bad about the weekend. When my turn came, I told the group that my good was witnessing another shoulder injury girl lift 40 pounds over her head with one arm and experiencing no pain. The satisfaction on her face was priceless and I can still envision it and how happy she was for not giving up or giving in. My bad was me! My fear of trying new things and of having way too much control over myself. I need to surrender and I am still learning everyday how to do that. As we packed up I thanked the speaker and headed to my car disappointed.
I told myself earlier that day since I was in Portsmouth, I would head to the ocean by myself for some ocean therapy. I got in the car and immediately started second guessing that idea. All of the shit running through my head, "I should be home with my kids", "I need to go grocery shopping", "It's Sunday, I should just go home." AHHHHHHH! As I came to the cross section of going towards Hampton or Manchester I started having anxiety! Seriously, what was the big deal of having a Sally, I mean Sandi time? Something snapped in me and I headed towards Hampton. You would of thought I was choosing between door #1, or door #2 on "Let's Make a Deal." My belly fluttered for a few minutes and once I entered Hampton, I said "Screw it, my family will survive for another hour without me."
I drove to the Northern area of beach and got out and found a spot that I planted my booty onto. On my left a few feet away from me I noticed a lady sleeping with a pillow and blanket, and on my right a older couple playing with their dog and just relaxing and in front of me a little dingy boat on the ocean with a couple of guys fishing. Who did I feel like at that moment? Who did I want to be? Well, it's pretty easy to say I really wouldn't of minded being that lady taking a siesta. But I felt like that boat and as I noticed it going over the waves, up and down, up and down I was feeling nauseous and anxious. Sometimes I feel that is exactly how my life is. I always tell others, "Guilt is a useless emotion", however being at the beach by myself I felt like I was cheating on my family. I sat and closed my eyes and just decided to talk to my mom. I cried a little missing her, and I cried a little wanting to be that sleeping lady or couple just enjoying their moment.
Suddenly right then, I felt relief and happiness. Here I was listening to the ocean, smelling the salt and enjoying MY MOMENT! I forgave myself for not doing the obstacle course and realized something powerful. I am still growing and learning about me. Sometimes it sucks and sometimes it rocks. I will always be that boat, but maybe, just maybe if I start relaxing and breathing over those waves, life won't feel so fearful. Peace!
BTW, I would really love your input, insight and any similar experiences you also are going up against........