1. I am what I have.
2. I am what I do.
3. I am what others think of me.
4. I am separate from everybody else.
5. I am separate from all that is missing in my life.
6. I am separate from GOD.
Yikes! That is a lot of "I Am's" that I do not want in my life......or do I?
I feel at times I only want to be one, present always, be still, love like no other, be peaceful 24/7, and carry no judgement. When I reach this level and it is no longer such a feat I will feel nirvana and be almost as cool as the Dalai Lama himself. How majorly awesome would that be? Other times I get a thrill when the Patriots lose and I spout off about it! I love debating sports and other "touchy" topics(except politics....nope got rid of that years ago). I hate when my hair turns gray every 5 weeks. I cannot stand the thought of not being sarcastic! Lastly (yeah right), in the summer my EGO vanity self works her ass off to look presentable in a bikini! Talk about EGO rides...........how vain and awful does all of this sound? How can I possibly defeat all of those EGOS? I am scared to death with the thought of becoming completely EGO-LESS and losing my close relationships. When and if my EGO ever dissolves, what if I am not the same Sandi that my close peeps love? Will being EGO-LESS turn me into a complete peace, loving weirdo hippy that people will run away from? Not a joke, the struggle is REAL! o.k........reality check now......
I just went back and read all of these highs and lows. I am taking a deep breath and attempting to meditate as my meditation candle is flickering and sizzling. The words, All is Well enter my heart and I begin to understand my EGO is and always will be a part of me. Someday's smaller and other days, crazy HUGE! If I can practice on just being still and at peace with who I am that is a major step in the direction I want to be. I do know for my practice to start, I do need to make more "alone and present" moments in my life. That itself can be very complicated. Most of us get so completely consumed with the shit that is with us from the time we wake up until the time we go to bed. What are doing, saying and putting in our minds? Lately I have been spouting off to the world about how busy, busy, busy I am and how little time I have to myself.....waaa, waaa, waaa.......I need to stop telling myself that story. The longer I tell it the longer it will continue. I picked up my favorite book by Dr Joseph Murphy, "The Power of Your Subconscious Mind" the other day, and looked through some of my hi-lighted fave's. What exactly am I telling myself before I go to bed? Trust me, it was nothing healthy or peaceful. So now as I am falling asleep I repeat to myself over and over that I am healthy, I am kind, I am Peace and I am Ego-less.
Deep down I know the gray hair, sarcasm, football smack talk and bikini vanity is not important and will not mean anything when I am in the non-physical world. I do wish I could move away from it in this physical world more than anything. The physical world to me seems like a test. I think I am possibly holding a C minus average right now and I will not stop striving to be Ego-less, but I also need to be honest with myself and love me for my "EGO" ways of thinking as well. How I long to not care what others think or react to what others say. I know why I have 2 ears and 1 mouth and someday's it is so hard to utilize them correctly. I will end this EGO rant by saying I AM AWARE and that is the first step, right? Happy EGO-LESS 2016! Peace, Hugs, Rainbows, and Unicorns!!!