Today I realized I am definitely not the same gal I was years ago. Now with that said, there are pro's and con's to each situation. Obviously there are more pro's! I am a wife, mother, child, niece, aunt and friend...( I am certain there are more titles than that). If I didn't "change" or how about we use the word grow for the pro's, I would still be that, "The world is all about me girl." I love being Mikey's wife and always will. Have I always wanted to be his wife? Yup. Have I "grown" to a point where my own identity has faded a little? Yup. I know this is normal and I have come to the conclusion we will always have our "moments". I will always avoid a conversation if I know it will turn into a debate that I choose not to partake in. I hate "rocking the boat" with him. I never gave this much thought until the past few months. Why do I do that? Conflict, literally makes me ill. If I have a point or topic I really feel strongly about, I will truly keep it to myself until it has to come to the discussion table. Usually he disagrees with me, and let me just say my hubby has very strong views! lol I don't want the negativity or debate and if it comes to that I normally throw in the white towel pretty quickly. Now this doesn't mean I change my mind and call him right......(not even close), I just feel the topic is over and I don't feel the "win" is worth it. I suppose most people may view this as a con, and I can understand why. The pro's however outweigh that one con by a landslide. We laugh every day(not kidding) and our connection is continuing to grow even after 20 years. We may not even agree with our parenting skills all the time, but we overlook that and respect each other's view's. Okay, so being a wife has changed me, but is it a bad change? Bad is not the word I would use.....I have become more of a "non-conflicting" girl.
Now, how about we all call the hardest job and greatest gift: Being a parent to our little blessings. Hands down this has transformed me the most from who I used to be. I believe in sharing honesty here so please don't judge(if you do judge, start the "Be the Change Challenge..lol). Let's begin with how much I love being a mom. Hugs, kisses, snuggling, laughing, sharing, vacationing and even wiping noses and rubbing backs while our babies are huddled over a toilet are at the top of my list. Memories are being made everyday with Avery and Rocco. I love watching them play together, going to there games, sleeping and simply witnessing them turning into kind little adults. Tons and tons of pro's, right? Today, however I went through our usual day and actually craved being the old Sandi, B.C.(Before Children). I didn't want to go over homework, make dinner, do dishes, clean up or any of the other freaking responsibilities we carry as parents! I truly needed some "me" time, and usually I can go months without having any. Today as these feelings were tugging at my insides I automatically went into "guilt" mode as many of us do. I took a deep breath and still felt the "craving." My kids noticed I was a bit off and they asked me what was wrong? Well, being in my "mood", I was honest and explained how I every once in awhile I missed the old me and it didn't mean I that I did not want to be their mom; I just needed some alone time. They asked me what I wanted to do, and I simply said I am going to the gym. Feelings were not hurt and I was proud at how understanding they were. I went to the gym and kicked my own ass. It was exactly what I needed and I honestly felt a bit younger....ha ha! My endorphin's were singing a sweet melody and my sweat was dripping into my eyes. Now as gross as that may sound, I felt like that 20 or so old gal for a minute or 2. This was all I needed to curb my twenty year old Sandi craving! Just because I am a mom and a wife does not mean I cannot feel that sense of independence again.
Take some time and ask yourself, "Who have I changed for?" If you can always be completely honest and say I haven't changed at all, wow, you are amazing! If you have changed a bit however to make things more peaceful in your life, that is ok. I am the more wimpy type and will avoid any type of conflict with anyone, especially my hubby. Yes, I love him with all of my heart, but choosing peace for myself makes my life flow more smoothly. I remember as a kid when my parents would fight. Usually, it was my mom being super stubborn, and she could go for days without talking to my dad. She did not put up with any shit from him or anybody else! Many years later, I sometimes will catch my dad say something unkind to my mom. She doesn't respond at all! I am thinking to myself, "What happen to this woman who would never tolerate anyone speaking to her like that or even looking at her the wrong way." I asked her about it one day and she said, "I'ts not worth it." The response bothered me at first. Now I understand and admire her; as it takes much more strength to be peaceful and non-reactive than it does to strike back.
My goal is not to become who I was 20 years ago. Today I just missed it a bit and felt lost for a moment. My goal is to stay as true as I can to who I am now and what feels right within my heart. As I go back and proofread what I just wrote I suddenly realized just because I choose my battles with my husband and throw in the white flag(even when I believe I am "right"), that is not necessarily a "con". I am at peace with my "wimpy ways", and do not have to be right or understood. I just want to be heard and at peace knowing all is well. I suppose changing is inevitable and I need to decide on whether or not I will make it a positive or negative despite what others think. I also need not worry so much about how people react to what I think, say or do. If I can focus on that, my people pleasing skills will get better, eventually......or do they even need to? Embrace who you are each day......I am always working on it......Peace